Wow so my 4th grade teacher sent me an email asking if I was me she has a picture of me then. I am so grateful as none exist from that time. I asked her to please send me a copy. I know its going to be weird and emotional but I really want to see me then. What I looked like and everything. My abuse happened during that time so I want to see what it was that was so appealing about me as a kid. Pedophiles and murderers are just the absolute scum of the earth. Pandering young women isnt far behind. God I feel kinda weird about it but I must see it. Just seeing the building where it happened and then of that awful elementary school.Those feelings were just of an old sadness. After hearing Anntoinette B's story yesterday, the urge to minimize is there but I feel bad for the girl I was. I wish I could helped me somehow. I think my teacher wanted to. Anyway, I went to see Hayden Dover on Friday, I made it to his office somehow without collapsing. I was so fucked up emotionally. I was really just trying to assimilate all that had happened and try to make sense of it. I heard myself talking to him and it didnt make a whole lot of sense. He is a good therapist he just listened and encouraged me to release it if it needed to be released and of course right then it did. I am going to keep seeing him. I spoke to Spike on my cell afterwards he was at the convention. We talked a little then met at my office. We have agreed that we were both willing to see if this is something we should be involved in after 8 sessions. Logically, I get it. Emotionally, I love this guy and am willing to do whatver. I dont mean changing the basic stuff about me just the behaviours coming up with ways to be healthy in relationship. I am wide open to any and all suggestions. My gut is telling me to work on myself daily and let it be a process. Off limits are telephone convos that get into feelings. Not going there no more. He has so much going on in his own life that I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and remorse as he does not need anything extra on his pile. Nothing. I love him so much and will try my best to open up to the possibility that there may be someone else better suited for both of us. We may not have what each other need? Idk if I can but Ill try..

Love him so much I wish to God I could of seen this counselor 2 weeks ago I should of made sure of it. He said there is no chance of us ever getting back together. I pray for acceptance. I'm beyond sad, I did this. This is the worst sabotage ever. If he wasnt my soul mate he sure fuckin felt like it. Anyway, going to see the therapist ongoing. I have to get better.

Painting Title: The Great Masturbator, 1929
Salvador Dali
Famous Spanish Painter - Surrealist
Sighhhhhhh... He fucked me today the last time ....I cried.
I'm going to the counselor on my own. I'm tired I dreamt of pieces of Dali's face in the drawers of a bureau top dresser each piece in a plastic bag. Moustache & mouth in one. Eye in another. Very odd. Here's one of my faves used to have it in my bedroom for years. I could so relate to the detachment..then anyway.*heavy sighs*Thanks Dali for Surrealist dreams.