So I got this call from my mom, her best effort yet. This time she called to see if I would take her to her first meeting of Narcotics Anonymous! NICE! Love it. Now in a perfect place like Pleasantville or Mayberry maybe I could take my mom to her first NA meeting and a light would go on and she'd never pop a pill again. She would work all 12 steps and become sweet and humble and yes even accountable. What part of dont contact me til you get clean dont these people get? First Stephanie, with strange cryptic calls. Her wounded child reaching out to Mommy. Now my "MOM" I guess you can say Im a lil perturbed and disturbed by these jingles them 2 keep giving me. I think if they were serious theyd call me after one of those hard to get to rehabs or meetings and share what an amazing experience they are having. Blah blah blah so if Im a little negative forgive me.I wish wish wish I had something good to say at the end of this diatribe but I dont. Oh ok, how bout I love them and hope they get clean.
Ughhh

ha!

I am humbled and amazed at god working all over in my life. I was just cursing god a few days ago and now everywhere and everyplace I look I see evidence.
I can't really say I have every little detail and logistic worked out but I have some ideas on which way I need to head. Divine guidance happens when I let go. To my absolute delight my clairvoyance is expanding. I am doing some major growing in my psychic senses. Its not just in seeing, its in hearing. Hearing used to scare me. Its not so scary anymore. I am so grateful because I know this is part of my personal journey here. I don't understand some of the mechanics of the day to day. Existential blues take over sometimes. I know who I am more and more. I know that the souls in my life are sparks. I love everyone in my world. I am not sure how healthy I am but I am on the right path FINALLY. Deception and denial and illusion have been cancelled out by acceptance,honesty and actuality.

Now that I got the stalking out of me.... I am amazed at what is happening with me. I am fucking crazy as hell. Im going to have to stop all contact starting now fuckin sick bitch. I dont like what this is doing to me. I am twisted inside and out.
I give up. Hes right I am a fucking coward and a liar. I am dead to him.Need to practice fucking ACCEPTANCE and let go.

If one can actually revert to the truth, then a great deal of one's
suffering can be erased - because a great deal of one's suffering is
based on sheer lies."- R. D. Laing


I dont understand whats happening to my life? His life? WTF! How could this even happen? Its all all fucking lie every word uttered in these fights are fucking lies and the only thing real and true is I love him & he loves me. I ruin everything I just want to evaporate into nothing.

Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.
-- Oscar Wilde

You know the more and more I get clarity on marriage the more I'm not interested. It is a recipe for hate and disconnect it seems.
I do not want to hate or be seperate with someone I chose to be entwined with. Just sounds nightmarish. I think I may be one of the women in the world that just has to be unhitched! Independent in every fucking way. I guess the frustration and disappointment in all that was when I got right down to it & honest with myself it is that I thought it was possible to have everything.I guess nobody gets everything and if they do they want something else. This is something I am going to keep looking at because supposedly I wanted it or thought I wanted by the time I turned 40.

So I been running on empty. I am feeling somewhat better today.Love this weather makes my bluesy side come round again. I prefer it really. Sunny,happy is only me over caffeinated. I love deep,I live surface and walk between the raindrops of all of it.
A few things matter most and get me to engage that would be the children I made and this man that came into my world. My recovery is the basis of where I'm finding footing and staying grounded in it has proven quite difficult sometimes. The ego tries so hard to serenade me back into the void. Tells me that alone is always best for me.

Dear Stephanie,
Get clean
Heal
Become

diary entry from a year ago

2009-07-16 22:50:34

A scene between my ears


Obsession/Compulsion...
The terrible twins. All the logical thinking in the world
can't prepare you when these two show up.
The process of becoming and all that entails. I see myself
happy and well disciplined. I envision my future will have
submissive written all over it and for that I get chills.
So I'll stand up straight and look forward to it. As for the
twins they can hang out for awhile but then they gotta jet.
Their presence alert me of something bigger. Something
special and deep that needs my attention. I can release the
past knowing that turning the page in any good book is
something that you should jump on.
Searching and fearless I see this me now and I have to smirk.
Its all good baby its on.

all over again

in love with him.........