I am wondering if I need to send holiday cards to my family I am not speaking to?
I think I need to,even if its selfishly for me.

Cut the cancer of my past

dear ego

Stop hurting me over and over and stealing everything from me.

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
T. S. Eliot

I am in an interesting space this morning. I am wanting to truly see everything as it actually is not as Id like it to be. You know,emotionally I think I can take anything now. Life has not been kind.The 7th step application here is to practice patience and Gratitude.I have had the same job for over 4 years now.Im a working psychic and a semi decent mother. I am doing what I can day to day. I am in love with someone. The obvious is that there maybe something I am missing. I am not suspicious or cautious or even pretentious just shaken by the need to take a good honest look around. Maybe approaching my fourth year clean has prompted this.I am very grateful and am truly happy. I pray God that I can trust you would show me if I was deceiving myself.

I am in alot of pain.

To be completely woman you need a master, and in him a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him it's no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long.
Marlene Dietrich

Got to just let go

Stephanie

This few minutes is for me to feel for you baby, I love you so much.

..I dreamt I took care of him as he was bedridden sick with cancer (lung) I think we lived together I brought him things to drink and read to him. He enjoyed my presence. He loved me. I remember just feeling happy to be with him one more day.

So I got this call from my mom, her best effort yet. This time she called to see if I would take her to her first meeting of Narcotics Anonymous! NICE! Love it. Now in a perfect place like Pleasantville or Mayberry maybe I could take my mom to her first NA meeting and a light would go on and she'd never pop a pill again. She would work all 12 steps and become sweet and humble and yes even accountable. What part of dont contact me til you get clean dont these people get? First Stephanie, with strange cryptic calls. Her wounded child reaching out to Mommy. Now my "MOM" I guess you can say Im a lil perturbed and disturbed by these jingles them 2 keep giving me. I think if they were serious theyd call me after one of those hard to get to rehabs or meetings and share what an amazing experience they are having. Blah blah blah so if Im a little negative forgive me.I wish wish wish I had something good to say at the end of this diatribe but I dont. Oh ok, how bout I love them and hope they get clean.
Ughhh

ha!

I am humbled and amazed at god working all over in my life. I was just cursing god a few days ago and now everywhere and everyplace I look I see evidence.
I can't really say I have every little detail and logistic worked out but I have some ideas on which way I need to head. Divine guidance happens when I let go. To my absolute delight my clairvoyance is expanding. I am doing some major growing in my psychic senses. Its not just in seeing, its in hearing. Hearing used to scare me. Its not so scary anymore. I am so grateful because I know this is part of my personal journey here. I don't understand some of the mechanics of the day to day. Existential blues take over sometimes. I know who I am more and more. I know that the souls in my life are sparks. I love everyone in my world. I am not sure how healthy I am but I am on the right path FINALLY. Deception and denial and illusion have been cancelled out by acceptance,honesty and actuality.

Now that I got the stalking out of me.... I am amazed at what is happening with me. I am fucking crazy as hell. Im going to have to stop all contact starting now fuckin sick bitch. I dont like what this is doing to me. I am twisted inside and out.
I give up. Hes right I am a fucking coward and a liar. I am dead to him.Need to practice fucking ACCEPTANCE and let go.

If one can actually revert to the truth, then a great deal of one's
suffering can be erased - because a great deal of one's suffering is
based on sheer lies."- R. D. Laing


I dont understand whats happening to my life? His life? WTF! How could this even happen? Its all all fucking lie every word uttered in these fights are fucking lies and the only thing real and true is I love him & he loves me. I ruin everything I just want to evaporate into nothing.

Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.
-- Oscar Wilde

You know the more and more I get clarity on marriage the more I'm not interested. It is a recipe for hate and disconnect it seems.
I do not want to hate or be seperate with someone I chose to be entwined with. Just sounds nightmarish. I think I may be one of the women in the world that just has to be unhitched! Independent in every fucking way. I guess the frustration and disappointment in all that was when I got right down to it & honest with myself it is that I thought it was possible to have everything.I guess nobody gets everything and if they do they want something else. This is something I am going to keep looking at because supposedly I wanted it or thought I wanted by the time I turned 40.

So I been running on empty. I am feeling somewhat better today.Love this weather makes my bluesy side come round again. I prefer it really. Sunny,happy is only me over caffeinated. I love deep,I live surface and walk between the raindrops of all of it.
A few things matter most and get me to engage that would be the children I made and this man that came into my world. My recovery is the basis of where I'm finding footing and staying grounded in it has proven quite difficult sometimes. The ego tries so hard to serenade me back into the void. Tells me that alone is always best for me.

Dear Stephanie,
Get clean
Heal
Become

diary entry from a year ago

2009-07-16 22:50:34

A scene between my ears


Obsession/Compulsion...
The terrible twins. All the logical thinking in the world
can't prepare you when these two show up.
The process of becoming and all that entails. I see myself
happy and well disciplined. I envision my future will have
submissive written all over it and for that I get chills.
So I'll stand up straight and look forward to it. As for the
twins they can hang out for awhile but then they gotta jet.
Their presence alert me of something bigger. Something
special and deep that needs my attention. I can release the
past knowing that turning the page in any good book is
something that you should jump on.
Searching and fearless I see this me now and I have to smirk.
Its all good baby its on.

all over again

in love with him.........

Oh my, things have gotten interesting. Or the plot thickens whichever youd like.
I cant say enough warm and fuzzies.

Melancholy and the infinite sadness is such a great album title. I am trying to think of which song I loved on it and it evades me just the album title comes to mind..
I am thinking of my daughter thats probably why. I am going to talk about it a little more with other women and people who have addict kids. I am also thinking of checking out Alanon. I have no idea where and when Ill have time but I am going to make time. I want to feel better. I got into it with Spike earlier in the week. A simple tiff turned into dramarama and I think hes right it has to do with not being able to seperate and surrender my kids. I love him so much, I hope that staying on top of this stuff will somehow change the way I behave. I really cant stand myself sometimes. heres one..

Got to see Iron Maiden :)
They were very close to us! I am happy to say I did not suffocate in the pit. Spike and I both had an awesome time. Who couldnt youd have to be a corpse or extremely lame not to. I am back to work, well rested I guess. I could of slept longer I think. I dreamt of one of Stephanies friends. He introduced himself and kinda let me know hed keep an eye out for her. She gets out this Wednesday. She is my baby now and always. I love her so much and I am sorry that she is choosing the way shes is choosing. I pray she makes it through this part of her life. I am reading for someone tonight. So happy it will be mediumship. My personal favorite thing to do. So all is good I guess. The financial stuff always ends up working out...
Love you Stephanie

I realize now more than ever, never have I even close loved a man like I love him.

Lookie me and Mike Starr!
God I obsessed on AIC many times over the years that was a moment. He seemed very nice! Said he had lots of Alice nobodys ever heard :)
This songs from Facelift love it! So Heather picked me up loaded! Not even sure what to say about it yet. I am grateful I dont want to use. This disease is evil for real.

“The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.”
Goethe

Love it, things are happening in synchronicity with my conscious decisions to commit myself. I am amazed at how very easily this is happening. Oh Spike and I went to see the therapist. Was our 3rd time going. My 4th his 3rd. I am liking it still. I think it may actually be helping coupled with my commitment to change and my recovery.

I'm going to keep my head up. No matter what. I don't need my mommy my brother or my sister to live my life. I also dont need a husband. I am fine with just being me forever. If it never happens I guess it wasnt supposed to. I seriously love being in the process. Things are moving fast and I can keep up. Everything is just moving forward. FEAR aside all is well.

Sit type be honest...
It all started with a feeling. I felt how I felt. The inflection was in the lyrics and feel of DMB's song Say Goodbye. I remember resonating the whole feel of meeting him and digging him everything to this song. The reason was because I knew he didnt want anything serious neither did I. Coming out of the stuff I was coming out of I needed to let the dust settle some. Shake off all that insanity all that drama. I just wanted to unravel right in front of him a few times. I hadnt up to that point ever met a man who took my breath away. Made me nervous talkin to him. Just being around him made my heart beat faster. Crazy. We went to Comicon 09 with him. I mean I knew we were going as brand new friends. We saw each other there we had lunch we left. I cant really describe it, I just dug him. We we were standing close outside the con for like a minute and I was like close right behind him. I remember feelin a total rush from my head to my feet just by being near him. I wanted this guy!
I talked to him over the following weeks here and there. Met for coffee and whatnot. I went to see him play with his band for the first time.
Loved the band, they sounded great playing dark and heavy Sabbath! Was the first time I saw him perform. He let me kiss him on the cheek before he went on stage. I was just girly as fuck over him.When he came off he was hella sweaty and hot! He came by me and I swear he let me kiss him once more and I seriously savored his sweat. Should of known then he was more than just a guy.

Hole show--postponed til whenever ok whatever I got tix!
I swear to Bob. Anyways, a wonderful Monday! Feeling good going to study my dmv manual fuckin A! I can probably pass the written without but I am gonna study anyway. Hate to have a dead run to that place. It is the 7th I have started my step again. I am officially in a therapy or couples therapy with my beloved bf. So so different than any experience I ever had. We seem to do most the talkin which is nice. I dont feel like we vent or go off or anything. This is good! Kids are well. Almost time for Summer vacation and Iron Maiden. I am so looking forward to the show. Am going to book alot of appointments and save for schtuff. Gotta go..

Wow so my 4th grade teacher sent me an email asking if I was me she has a picture of me then. I am so grateful as none exist from that time. I asked her to please send me a copy. I know its going to be weird and emotional but I really want to see me then. What I looked like and everything. My abuse happened during that time so I want to see what it was that was so appealing about me as a kid. Pedophiles and murderers are just the absolute scum of the earth. Pandering young women isnt far behind. God I feel kinda weird about it but I must see it. Just seeing the building where it happened and then of that awful elementary school.Those feelings were just of an old sadness. After hearing Anntoinette B's story yesterday, the urge to minimize is there but I feel bad for the girl I was. I wish I could helped me somehow. I think my teacher wanted to. Anyway, I went to see Hayden Dover on Friday, I made it to his office somehow without collapsing. I was so fucked up emotionally. I was really just trying to assimilate all that had happened and try to make sense of it. I heard myself talking to him and it didnt make a whole lot of sense. He is a good therapist he just listened and encouraged me to release it if it needed to be released and of course right then it did. I am going to keep seeing him. I spoke to Spike on my cell afterwards he was at the convention. We talked a little then met at my office. We have agreed that we were both willing to see if this is something we should be involved in after 8 sessions. Logically, I get it. Emotionally, I love this guy and am willing to do whatver. I dont mean changing the basic stuff about me just the behaviours coming up with ways to be healthy in relationship. I am wide open to any and all suggestions. My gut is telling me to work on myself daily and let it be a process. Off limits are telephone convos that get into feelings. Not going there no more. He has so much going on in his own life that I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and remorse as he does not need anything extra on his pile. Nothing. I love him so much and will try my best to open up to the possibility that there may be someone else better suited for both of us. We may not have what each other need? Idk if I can but Ill try..

Love him so much I wish to God I could of seen this counselor 2 weeks ago I should of made sure of it. He said there is no chance of us ever getting back together. I pray for acceptance. I'm beyond sad, I did this. This is the worst sabotage ever. If he wasnt my soul mate he sure fuckin felt like it. Anyway, going to see the therapist ongoing. I have to get better.

Painting Title: The Great Masturbator, 1929
Salvador Dali
Famous Spanish Painter - Surrealist
Sighhhhhhh... He fucked me today the last time ....I cried.
I'm going to the counselor on my own. I'm tired I dreamt of pieces of Dali's face in the drawers of a bureau top dresser each piece in a plastic bag. Moustache & mouth in one. Eye in another. Very odd. Here's one of my faves used to have it in my bedroom for years. I could so relate to the detachment..then anyway.*heavy sighs*Thanks Dali for Surrealist dreams.

This and that, alot of writing to get done. Going to empty out here first. It just occured to me I can rewrite my own story.

God please help me better raise my son.