Checkmate

You know I feel him distancing and dissociating from me. I have done it myself so I know what it is and what it looks like. It hurts me. I know in my heart he does love me. I can only guess he has a lot of pain and residual stuff from his past 2 relationships. I know I havent been easy. He did try counseling and we have gone back and forth a few times only to end up back together.If we break up we get back together within a few days. I can see he is not happy. He has put on weight. I have put on weight. I know he is window shopping. I just have to believe that God and the Angels have my back. Angels please help me not act out and stay in composure and dignity. I am embarrassed and humiliated that on Valentines day of last year he signed up for a dating site. Is called long haired singles.As of Feb 26th he joined collarme soo obviously I was nothing.It has been true all along that he has been unable to move on really with me. It could be me,my personality,my weight Idk but for whatever reason--I am not sure what to do. I feel at an emotional checkmate.In a rage he told me he was sick of my hippy shit,which to me translates into hes been tolerating my belief systems? My feelings are beyond hurt.

Wow I have so much on my mind. I am not feeling very well. I woke myself up in the middle of the night by putting my fingernail in my eye? Idk wtf it hurts. I dont have alot to do here today so I am sorta slacking. Ok I am completely slacking or taking advantage of downtime. Whichever works. I had a dream last night of my little girl Stephanie. She was little. She cried. I cant explain what it was liek it was so real i could feel how I would of felt if it were happening completely. I suspect there were more instances of abuse that took place with her. I know she has PTSD and is suffering more than likely with many of the sexual issues I am. Same story stepfather mom not home. Really sucks. It feels like he won like the devil/demon in his energy won and my child is completely lost and gone in the darkness of the disease and eternal discontent and torment starting that day. She remembers hiding in her bedroom closet waiting for me to come home. She said she told me that I believed him when he said he was just drying her off. :(( So I am sure she feels as if I somehow condoned it or chose him. Ugh its unsettling there is so much powerlessness in all of it. I want to be ok. I am ok I guess it just hurts deep under the walls Ive put up it hurts.I have my Wednesday night group I hope to feel comfortable there as last time I was feeling kindof guarded and not real open. We'll see little by little Im sure it will all work out. I called Ramona this morning and asked her if she could encourage Stephanie too. I know it is probably not the right thing and I know its not the good thing its what I wanted to do.So I feel kind of off today kindof way off. I dont really hate my hair but I dont love it. The color isnt too good :( Shes new. Umm IDK alot on my head.Okey Dokey doggy daddy,yummy yummy sugar mommy...