Wow I have so much on my mind. I am not feeling very well. I woke myself up in the middle of the night by putting my fingernail in my eye? Idk wtf it hurts. I dont have alot to do here today so I am sorta slacking. Ok I am completely slacking or taking advantage of downtime. Whichever works. I had a dream last night of my little girl Stephanie. She was little. She cried. I cant explain what it was liek it was so real i could feel how I would of felt if it were happening completely. I suspect there were more instances of abuse that took place with her. I know she has PTSD and is suffering more than likely with many of the sexual issues I am. Same story stepfather mom not home. Really sucks. It feels like he won like the devil/demon in his energy won and my child is completely lost and gone in the darkness of the disease and eternal discontent and torment starting that day. She remembers hiding in her bedroom closet waiting for me to come home. She said she told me that I believed him when he said he was just drying her off. :(( So I am sure she feels as if I somehow condoned it or chose him. Ugh its unsettling there is so much powerlessness in all of it. I want to be ok. I am ok I guess it just hurts deep under the walls Ive put up it hurts.I have my Wednesday night group I hope to feel comfortable there as last time I was feeling kindof guarded and not real open. We'll see little by little Im sure it will all work out. I called Ramona this morning and asked her if she could encourage Stephanie too. I know it is probably not the right thing and I know its not the good thing its what I wanted to do.So I feel kind of off today kindof way off. I dont really hate my hair but I dont love it. The color isnt too good :( Shes new. Umm IDK alot on my head.Okey Dokey doggy daddy,yummy yummy sugar mommy...