We were together 1 year 10 months and 7 days

I am completely giving all matters pertaining love and partnership to my HP.
I only want what is truly for me and what is truly mine.

I am in such a space that I dont know what to believe even though I know the truth. It is true that these things make you crazy. I am revolted and disgusted that he is even a second thought as he has dismissed the entire thing as a crazy paranoid delusion.

It is so plain and obvious what happened. While I was crying and upset over our umpteenth fight over nothing he decided to create a profile to get over me with anyone and everyone he could the NEXT DAY!. We worked it out so he hasnt went back. Thats about right I think. Oh and BTW his ALT profile was completely different so was all other 20 profiles.
However since he never went back it never happened I made it up or some phantom hacker put in that information I dont fucking think so. I decided to check out his accounts because my baby wants me to marry him I just wanted peace of mind.Instead I got clear indisputable proof of what he does while Im crying my soul out note my post 2/26/2011 at 956 while he was creating his profile at the exact same time. I am a terminal fool.

Checkmate

You know I feel him distancing and dissociating from me. I have done it myself so I know what it is and what it looks like. It hurts me. I know in my heart he does love me. I can only guess he has a lot of pain and residual stuff from his past 2 relationships. I know I havent been easy. He did try counseling and we have gone back and forth a few times only to end up back together.If we break up we get back together within a few days. I can see he is not happy. He has put on weight. I have put on weight. I know he is window shopping. I just have to believe that God and the Angels have my back. Angels please help me not act out and stay in composure and dignity. I am embarrassed and humiliated that on Valentines day of last year he signed up for a dating site. Is called long haired singles.As of Feb 26th he joined collarme soo obviously I was nothing.It has been true all along that he has been unable to move on really with me. It could be me,my personality,my weight Idk but for whatever reason--I am not sure what to do. I feel at an emotional checkmate.In a rage he told me he was sick of my hippy shit,which to me translates into hes been tolerating my belief systems? My feelings are beyond hurt.

Wow I have so much on my mind. I am not feeling very well. I woke myself up in the middle of the night by putting my fingernail in my eye? Idk wtf it hurts. I dont have alot to do here today so I am sorta slacking. Ok I am completely slacking or taking advantage of downtime. Whichever works. I had a dream last night of my little girl Stephanie. She was little. She cried. I cant explain what it was liek it was so real i could feel how I would of felt if it were happening completely. I suspect there were more instances of abuse that took place with her. I know she has PTSD and is suffering more than likely with many of the sexual issues I am. Same story stepfather mom not home. Really sucks. It feels like he won like the devil/demon in his energy won and my child is completely lost and gone in the darkness of the disease and eternal discontent and torment starting that day. She remembers hiding in her bedroom closet waiting for me to come home. She said she told me that I believed him when he said he was just drying her off. :(( So I am sure she feels as if I somehow condoned it or chose him. Ugh its unsettling there is so much powerlessness in all of it. I want to be ok. I am ok I guess it just hurts deep under the walls Ive put up it hurts.I have my Wednesday night group I hope to feel comfortable there as last time I was feeling kindof guarded and not real open. We'll see little by little Im sure it will all work out. I called Ramona this morning and asked her if she could encourage Stephanie too. I know it is probably not the right thing and I know its not the good thing its what I wanted to do.So I feel kind of off today kindof way off. I dont really hate my hair but I dont love it. The color isnt too good :( Shes new. Umm IDK alot on my head.Okey Dokey doggy daddy,yummy yummy sugar mommy...

Things are pretty great,I have made alot of progress. This year is going to be awesome. The kids are doing well. Gabriel has an official diagnosis now. He is ADHD thy started him on 5mg of Adderal. Kinda scary but he seems to be making progress. Kids are no longer at the daycare they are in the 6to6 program. Now its called Primetime. They really like it. Lotta new stuff to do and I like the organization,rules and schedule. Gabe has been suspended twice from it. They are trying to get him a 504 plan asap so that he can get some extra support with that.
Chloe is still doing her best in school. She is way moody and whiney but thats kinda always been the case overall she is happy. I went to Bookstar yesterday and I got them each an activity book. Gabe dot to dots to help him learn his numbers. Adrien,Word finds caus ethats what he likes and Clo madlibs cause they make her laugh. I think the activity books are a good reward for Gabe he almost finished his whole book of dot to dot Dinosaurs in one evening. Seth is still pretty much the same. HE had some odd behavior last night. Was up at wee hours. I want to get that interview done and get him over to Jobcorps asap. I left several messages not sure what the hold up is. I have the dates of Spring Break now so it is just placing a sitter. I should hear back from Lisa B soon. She is going to watch them more than half the time. I will need someone else for the rest. I am hoping Liz can do it. I will admit I am not 100% ok with her doing it. If we only go for 5 days it should be alright.Things with Spike are good he is busy building his business. He has had alot going on but we still have our weekends and date night is back in place. This Friday its my choice. I will have to think of something good.

I am wondering if I need to send holiday cards to my family I am not speaking to?
I think I need to,even if its selfishly for me.

Cut the cancer of my past

dear ego

Stop hurting me over and over and stealing everything from me.

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
T. S. Eliot

I am in an interesting space this morning. I am wanting to truly see everything as it actually is not as Id like it to be. You know,emotionally I think I can take anything now. Life has not been kind.The 7th step application here is to practice patience and Gratitude.I have had the same job for over 4 years now.Im a working psychic and a semi decent mother. I am doing what I can day to day. I am in love with someone. The obvious is that there maybe something I am missing. I am not suspicious or cautious or even pretentious just shaken by the need to take a good honest look around. Maybe approaching my fourth year clean has prompted this.I am very grateful and am truly happy. I pray God that I can trust you would show me if I was deceiving myself.

I am in alot of pain.

To be completely woman you need a master, and in him a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him it's no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long.
Marlene Dietrich

Got to just let go

Stephanie

This few minutes is for me to feel for you baby, I love you so much.

..I dreamt I took care of him as he was bedridden sick with cancer (lung) I think we lived together I brought him things to drink and read to him. He enjoyed my presence. He loved me. I remember just feeling happy to be with him one more day.

So I got this call from my mom, her best effort yet. This time she called to see if I would take her to her first meeting of Narcotics Anonymous! NICE! Love it. Now in a perfect place like Pleasantville or Mayberry maybe I could take my mom to her first NA meeting and a light would go on and she'd never pop a pill again. She would work all 12 steps and become sweet and humble and yes even accountable. What part of dont contact me til you get clean dont these people get? First Stephanie, with strange cryptic calls. Her wounded child reaching out to Mommy. Now my "MOM" I guess you can say Im a lil perturbed and disturbed by these jingles them 2 keep giving me. I think if they were serious theyd call me after one of those hard to get to rehabs or meetings and share what an amazing experience they are having. Blah blah blah so if Im a little negative forgive me.I wish wish wish I had something good to say at the end of this diatribe but I dont. Oh ok, how bout I love them and hope they get clean.
Ughhh

ha!

I am humbled and amazed at god working all over in my life. I was just cursing god a few days ago and now everywhere and everyplace I look I see evidence.
I can't really say I have every little detail and logistic worked out but I have some ideas on which way I need to head. Divine guidance happens when I let go. To my absolute delight my clairvoyance is expanding. I am doing some major growing in my psychic senses. Its not just in seeing, its in hearing. Hearing used to scare me. Its not so scary anymore. I am so grateful because I know this is part of my personal journey here. I don't understand some of the mechanics of the day to day. Existential blues take over sometimes. I know who I am more and more. I know that the souls in my life are sparks. I love everyone in my world. I am not sure how healthy I am but I am on the right path FINALLY. Deception and denial and illusion have been cancelled out by acceptance,honesty and actuality.